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The mind wanders where it will.

- I almost lost my father two weeks ago. Burst duodenal ulcer. Doc called me that night saying he wasn't sure if he'd survive. Today, Dad's able to walk a bit, eat, and joke. His progress has been unbelievable. I hold his hand and talk about the news with him, and in the back of my mind I think about how close to death he was. I still haven't let myself cry. Too much time focused on staying strong. Or staying sane. With how my mother has been acting, I'm not so sure about that second one.

But he's alive, and so am I. So I'll leave that aside for now. Five, eight, ten years ago, I probably would have broken down in this journal about how hellish my family life is, screaming through the monitor about how useless I felt, how hopeless the whole situation feels. Today I'm probably too Spockish about the whole affair, if anything. I just think "Dad would tell me to move past it", and he's still around today to say that. It feels wrong to let anger taint the gratitude I feel for having his life back.

So I'll just say that I'm happy my Dad is alive, and the medical and psychiatric systems in this country can go to hell on a landslide.

- I'll be in Vietnam from June 22nd to July 8th. That's also my birthday, as it happens. Coming back 30 years old. I'm past excitement - the last two weeks have seen to that - and feeling something else. The problem with being so story-minded is you start imposing a narrative on your own life. Usually I can resist it, but not this time. This one will leave a mark on me somewhere, or maybe I just want it to. I'm really doing my best not to turn this thought into 2,000 words. If I had to summarize it: this is a change I'm ready for.

- Given the above, I'll miss out on Anime Expo, which sucks because fucking Daisuke, man.

- I was up to 172 before Dad got sick. The past two weeks cut me down to 166. Disappointing. Still, I'm either strong enough or stubborn enough to get five more pounds over my head. I vow revenge against all broccoli at...some point in the future. My challenge generally comes from getting enough sleep to let the muscle grow. Birthday parties, social drinking (argh...), this shit with Dad, it all conspires to keep a man from the Great Pillow of Healing. And for a guy who doesn't feel a day over 25, I really can't enjoy a day without a good eight hours behind me. Still, I've been a real baby about late nights for a few years now.

- But I reiterate what I said before about weights. Barring disability, do it. I don't care about your gender, your genetics, or your current pant size. I can't name an easier and more lasting self-investment.

- I miss the feel of opening a new game for the first time. Games for me are sort of frozen in time, back in 2008-2010, along with a lot of other things about myself. I think the only ones I played since then were Tactics Ogre, the Dissidia sequel, and maybe eight hours of Skyrim. That's a pretty dismal resume for the guy who put 100 hours into Suikoden III once upon a time.

- Fuck I want to play Heavensward. Patience, Teek, patience...

- Take a look online and you will see that a lot of people in the world today want your anger. Your anger is a valuable resource. Don't give it away.

- Still writing. I hope I have more to say about that soon.

- I hope I have more to say soon, period.


( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
Jun. 26th, 2015 11:01 am (UTC)
Meep. Glad you were able to dodge that particular bullet, man. Losing a parent is one of THE most cataclysmic things that can happen to you.

By the time you're reading this you'll be in--or possibly back from!--the Far East; I hope your trip goes well. (Incidentally, if you should happen to develop any mystical powers including but not limited to the ability to cloud the minds of men, do let me know!)

Also happy birthday! Thirty, for me, was something of a milestone, a time to reflect. Sadly I found that I wasn't too happy with some of what I saw looking back at me; happily, I've started changing some of that.

On a not unrelated topic, I stand in agreement with you in regards to anger. Anger gets a bad rap these days, but the fact is that without it, things never change. Properly applied, anger can give you the lever you need to move the world.

Anyway. Stay frosty, TK; I'll raise a glass of something or other in your honor while I'm in California.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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