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Better thoughts

Things have improved since my last visit here (which are increasingly guarded, given how many of them are locked...eesh). Reading over that one again, I don't think I was seeing myself clearly. The week afterward, I wiped my schedule and started lifting again, more heavily this time. My way of thinking went through a slight but significant shift, and I found myself on...a rebound, I guess you could call it? I found myself doing more, at work and at home. (Imagine that, getting results by - gasp - doing things!) As another part of that rebound, I took the aforementioned friend out to the Night Market in Costa Mesa a couple weeks ago and we had an awesome time. A very awesome time. There's a certain coarse pleasure in nomming on hot dogs and slurping down boba tea from a food truck by this name. It's funny - in contrast to the brooding mass of quiet I was a few weeks before, I had the better aspects of myself on display that night. That was me liking being me. I'm not sure how fast an epiphany has to be in order to qualify as an epiphany, but I definitely come through this month with far more clarity on my situation. And it's not the dead end I feared it was, nor am I as helpless before it. Realizing that is worth an episode of self-flagellation.

Granted, I also banned myself from alcohol until Memorial Day. Gotta account for all contributions.

With all that no longer weighing on me, I've been coming back to the thing that should be. I'll be 29 in July. I decided I'm going to take this idea that stung me around New Year's, and put it between a pair of covers by 30. That's a bold oath, and there's a legion of excuses, digressions, delays, and padding ready to quash it. But, while I hate saying "this time is different"...this time is different.

Some ideas I've had because I thought they would sell well. Some because I thought they'd defy a genre and validate themselves over time. Then there are some that I think of as "spiritual successors" to stuff I wrote when I was a teen. While I'd entertain the thought of any of these doing well, I kept coming back to the same conclusion: if you believed in it, you'd be writing it. Time passed them by, and I lost what anchored me to them.

This one I believe in. It's a challenge to articulate why (and I may not really succeed until it's done), but as best as I can describe, it has an engine powered not by dreams of fame, wealth, or historical prominence, but by...well, everything I like. Everything I have liked. It doesn't take inspiration from what's lacking in the field or what's doing well at the box office or what's playing on my iPod. The inspiration comes from my own memories. I never run out of reasons to believe in it.

Shit, this thing has bits of everything from Ivalice to Suikoden to Paradise Lost to The Big Lebowski. Surely that gamut is worth some time with pen and paper.

It'll be tough, and it'll be tiring, and it'll plague me with doubt and uncertainty all the way to the peak of the mountain.

And it'll be good.

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August 2015
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