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Waking moment.

I've been aching for this kind of day. Gray, rainy, breezy, cool, calm - and back to being myself for a little while.

Pulling up my old LiveJournal client today feels like driving through my hometown. It's less that you wonder where the time has gone, and more that you're surprised how completely and indiscriminately time has changed everything. For something I checked essentially every few hours only five years ago, I can't even remember what icons I still have kicking around.

All that time and what's happened in-between are what bring me back to this today. I moved here in January 2011. In just a few months, it'll be three years since I packed it all up and parked myself in Irvine. Unsurprisingly, my mind has been preoccupied with what those three years have been, and what they mean for me as a whole. There's a lot to be proud of. I've lost eighty-one pounds and fourteen pant sizes; I ran the 2013 Firecracker 5K in Chinatown; I threw my first-ever dinner party (hey, milestones are milestones). I can cook and clean and provide at least minimal service to a car. I've even, finally, made some truly incredible friends. One I came very close to kissing, but we'll leave that for another day.

Career-wise, I've done well. I advanced from an entry-level HelpDesk tech to managing the onboarding and offboarding for a Fortune 500 company, and my pay has increased, and everyone likes me, and...

And if I were more dramatically inclined, this is where I'd grab my coffee mug and fling it full-bore at the wall.

Well, not really, but you get the idea. I'll dispense with trying to polish the cadence of this entry, and just say that shit I miss a lot of things, and today makes me remember all of them.

Mostly, I miss myself. Even when it was hell being myself.

The years between 2008 and 2011 were a bad time. A bad, bleak time. And even so, while the inertia of those years may have galled me, haunted me, I was at least myself. Writing Eternity may not have gotten me or anyone involved published for it, but at least I was writing, about characters I liked and for people I cared about. Wandering alone and aimless around my hometown made me feel like Luke stuck on Tatooine, but I don't know who I'd be without the longing those days ingrained in me. My love life back then seems in hindsight like one long tangle of puerility on my part, but there's something about that rash, torn, vulnerable state that I miss, too.

It's all strange to think about, but yeah...I look back at even the worst chapter in my life and like who I was then. I wonder what he would tell me today.

Regardless, I don't think I took a wrong turn moving to Irvine. I think I could take one now, though, if I'm not careful. And I think that an important part of me has, for whatever reason, been submerged since I came here.

I think that's why I welcome a day like this, after all these months of heat and cloudless skies: I feel like I just woke up.

I've known for a while that I'm unhappy with my job, and I'm actively looking for somewhere else to be. (Hardly unique in that respect!) This past couple of months especially, I've been weighed down by resentment and frustration and negativity, and it's not just clouded my mind, it's turned it into a dank boiler room. But now I'm realizing it isn't just the job - it's me, and the way I've forgotten myself. I've been searching for something I don't actually...want. I'm just looking for more of the same thing that's keeping me casting wistful glances at the past. That Fortune 500 company I contract to? Will never actually hire me as long as I'm in my twenties, so frankly, it can take its money and shove it. I have only naked loathing for the idea that my life has to be half over before I'm worth anything. Blizzard? Charming place, but for as many times as I've pounded on that door and received only silence, maybe I should just leave that idea behind me, too.

I'm saying nothing new, shocking, or unencouraged when I say that what I really want to do is the same thing I wanted to do five years ago:

I want to write forever.

That feels really good to say again. (Helps that I already know what I'd like my magnum opus to be, too.)

As I say that, of course, I hear the night's first peal of thunder outside. It's not as simple as that, I know. Barring a lotto win, there's no way I can just drop it all and run, and I'm not that sort of person anyway. Knowing me, I may well "submerge" again tomorrow. This may just be one short waking moment in a night I still have to sleep through. I hope not, but then, I could use a little extra shuteye this week.

Even so, today, in all its drizzle and quiet, seems like it's been important for me. Almost like I could have picked it out of a month five years ago, come to think of it. I think I would have ranted into my journal about it back then, too.

Maybe it's encouraging enough that I still sound like myself.

Comments

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
darthhowie
Oct. 10th, 2013 06:37 am (UTC)
This is going to sound cliche, but bear with me.

NEVER STOP WRITING.

If it's only in your head, if it's only a paragraph a day,

NEVER STOP WRITING.

If it's non-fiction. If it's just meandering thoughts,

NEVER STOP WRITING.

Failing that, just blog a lot. Just the act of writing something, even if it's not the great story you've always dreamed about, will scratch that itch an keep that part of you alive. Yeah, it'll take work. But it'll be worth it. Don't lose that part of yourself if you don't want to. Better to feed it table scraps than to starve it.
onyxstraten
Oct. 12th, 2013 03:16 am (UTC)
I wish you could get a job writing for Blizzard. At the very least you'd do a far better job than the morons currently doing that.
kellios
Oct. 23rd, 2013 05:05 am (UTC)
Dearest Captain, it's amazing how I feel we often travel down the same road. It helps to know someone else is there, despite whatever detours may arise.

Also - and forgive my memory - what are you looking for at Blizzard? Or what position in general?

And of course, should you want, you know my ear and inbox are always welcome to you. Would love to know what you have churning. =)

(We shall also ignore how late I've noticed this entry, but I'm still ever so proud of you)

Edited at 2013-10-23 05:09 am (UTC)
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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